They are tempting me o!

First I gotta say this...

I love you guys. As in you guys are tew maaaad. Ive come to realize that though we might drive/walk past each other and not recognise one another, it dont mean we dont care bout each other ( I don dey too talk) anyways, thanks for being there for me...you know una self.

Story stoooory? you know me I always have a story to tell.

I dont like married men!

welll if they are not minding their own business facing their families then I dont like them, you see, I come from a polygamous home and I know what shit my bro and I went thru growing up. I swore at a very young age that that shit wasnt going to happen to my kids as in, Ild rather be a single mother than be someones second or third wife, sheet, Ild rather not at all, so with this info its easy to understand my state of mind.

I have never dated a married man! A friends friend was bawling a couple of weeks ago, trust me olofofo,

Aunty wotapeen? whai are you cryying like as if they haf shoot you? or your mama she haf die?

"my bo-y-frie-nd is- hur-ting-me"

sha sha, it turned out to be that he boyfriend in question is a married man, who promised he was leaving his wife actually he told her his wife and kids were relocating and never coming back, he was divorcing his wife and marrying her. oloshi. oya Mr oga, when is your wife going? question? Till now the wife never go o! the man bought her i-phone the oloriburuku girl returned it, the man wanted to buy her car, the ashiere said she does not want (if you dont know the meaning of oloriburuku and ashiere, well me too i dont know, i sha know it is heavy heavy curse) If it is me, I will sell the phone and the car and tell him they tif it! My own conclusion is that the girl is mad and if she does end up with the man well, I guess one good turn will deserve another. so back to my story

All my uncles call me a slacker,non performer why? I don't organize chics for them, i mean hooow? fine I know I am related to them not thier wives but how am I supposed to organise poosy for them and still be able to look their wives in thier faces? nah that one is not my calling besides 8 out of 10 of my friends na man ask exschnerd and geisha they know me well so except they are gay? no show.

That is how I was minding my business when the first uncle (in recent times) approached me, funnily enough, I didnt even know that one was married, I sha knew there was something about him I didnt like. One evening after plenty, Im busy, Im outta town (dont blame me, I was going through a phase I dint want to see anyone)sha, I just got back from a wedding when he calls, where am I, let his see me, yadiyadi and Im thinking what tha fork? okay, Im home, but you gas hurry up, If I get changed, Im not coming downstairs again o!

I gasta add that day, I was looking STUNNING, sha he shows up in his Ivtech, I think thats what he drives, otherwise wetin concyn me? I get in and he starts to talk

"Omo, you sexy o! this that and then the disgusting part, he is trying to get his hand round my shoulder, remember guys bad no dey flirt mode, I mean if na yosh now ehen, Na me go put hand down him trouser but haba this guy? hells no! no he is not ugly, there was just somin about him, and when I get those vibes it means they are trouble! (my vibes dont fail me cuz thats the night I find out he's married with a daughter) I sha told him to cool off, he wasnt listening and I got down.

Come back he is saying but I aint listening, you be my papa?

the next day, Im bored so I get dressed up and go watch Prince Caspian, as Im walking out of the galleria guess who I walk right into? Him!

he starts bitching, so I came out without him, as if I dey follow am comot before, Whats he doin here? he came to see the premiere of the movie 30 days, at galleria! you no dey read Iv? he's laughin as he gives me the invite, pls check for me, get in, we'll talk on the way, so here I am boxed in a corner but I dont mind cuz my homeboy paps is at the premiere and i havent seen him in a while, so I call paps to tell him Im coming over.

"hey darling Im coming over but Im not staying, I just want to see your face yadiyaya"

the bitch starts bitching again, in his very before, I am calling another man, Im not even afraid, he wont do that to me, this that, that, this. I ignored him, why should I bother trying to explain my relationship with paps to him? we aint together bitch. While in that his motor, the short distance from galleria to expo centre, I nust have recieved 5 calls from diff guys, All my friends but bitch dont know that does he?

We saw Paps, he decided not to stay for the event afterall as the idiot hadnt bothered to read the invite so he was dressed a bit too casually, he'ld rather watch ball anyway so off to city mall, by now I must have spoken to 3 more guys. so he starts fuming, how come I spend so much time on the phone yet, I have never called him? only text messages, if I flash sebi he will call back and Im like "You no even happy sey i text you sef"

we get to city Mall, watch the end of the first half and Im like, Im off, I gotta get home.

lemme walk you he says

nah dont worry, Ill get a cab right outside, so you dont have to miss the 2nd half

ehen! somebody is waiting for you outside abi? and Im like whaddafork!

okay fine, walk me

no dont worry, go he says

walk me and come and pay for my cab I say

Am I to pay for your cab?

WHADDAYAMEANYOUMORRAFORKER? I laugh and walk on Chill he says,

I got myself out, I can get myself home I say.

I got home safe, he called a couple of time later to apologise? I dunno but meen the guy na scum! so thanking God, i found out early enough plus I had that feeling so one down abi?

you would think.

so my grandaunt passes away and being a muslim, the burial is less than a week later. guess who does most of the wahala? me! sebi, I never resume work? from aso ebi to venue to rentals to caterers to drinks? all moi.

I looked like shit, after it all including me gettin pissed when one of the girls from my sec sch shows up and I ask who exactly she is asking of?

"O we've seen him, we've seen Abdul. Abdul is a 55yr old man married with 6 kids, I call him Daddy or Uncle or Daddy Soji plus I kneel down when I see him, the bitch called him Abdul. hmmm the wonders of this life.

After all said and done everyone has eaten our food and gone home but for a few uncles and a few of their friends, I sit beside an uncle and hi friend.

"sweetheart" the friend says, I dont know who the fork he is " you must be tired, after all the work you did, pele, sit down" he pours me some wine, I sip, he's tending to me and Im like whaddayawant man? but he is still my uncles friend (though Im not sure which one) so im like yes sir, yes sir, driver shows up, time to go home to my left is my fav uncle so I kiss him goodnight sa, to my right the 'good man?' I make to shake him but he grabs me and hugs me instead, pressing my softness against his hardness and Im like uhn? he kisses both cheeks and on the second one he whispers

"Call me"

a card is folded into my palm. as a sharp girl, I act like nothing, say good night to all and walk away, I can feel his stares on my backside, he must be hard by now My yamama mind is thinking, I have that effect on people, I think some more.

In the car I check the card

Idowu Rotimi
Regional Manager
Some bank

I sigh as I shake my head, I dont do this sheet, dont he know?

okay so here I am, the card in my bag,

if I call him

1. I'm a hypocrite
2. It could be traced back to me and how the hell my family go look me? (though they all do it o!)

If i dont call him

1. No trips for me and Im bored
2. who knows.

oya blogfamilly mi. whaddayathink?

Its called a....

It's called a crisis

Since I'm not in my forties, it cant be a mid-life

guess I will call it a... a... a quarter life crisis.

sleepless nights, headaches, serious headaches oh! no not suffering from heartache, or am I

hurt, pain, disgust, tears,disappointment, exhaustion, a lack of performance, just a few of the things I have been going through

I miss you Afrobabe, Mz dee, Yosh, Porter, Ex, Napali and all my other friends.

I soo miss you guys.

like Naapali says, I dey revolve like door.

I cant wait to rotate back to blogsville.

Pray for me guys!

A series of events the end of the saga.

Phone ringing. pick up your phone mofo, its Friday ain it?

My thoughts are far from pure, I'm thinking all these things I want to do to you, all these things I want you to do to me...

phone still ringing, darn lemme try the land line

1st ring
2nd...
3rd...

"hello"

heartbeat quickens, no not in a good way, its not you on the phone

"good afternoon, may I speak to jibiti please"

"Oh! he's in the bath, would you call him back in five minutes?"

"ye sure"

funny a chic should pick up his phone

dum dum, dum dum, a chic?

calm down babe, calm down, its not like you are dating this guy, its not even like you 'want' to date the guy so whats the long thing if a chic picks up the phone?

20 mins later.

phone ringing

"hello"

same chic

"hey, sorry to bother you but I really need to get to jibiti, may I speak to him please?"

"oh! you know what I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell him you called earlier and he has stepped out, I'm folake his fiancee do you want to drop a message?

STOP! what did you say? girl? his fiancee? I knew the guy was bad but I didn't think he was that baaaad, I mean hey...we ALL knew the guy was a jibiti but?

"erm na, I'll call him back thank you"

"you are welcome"

Ol boy, I don't believe this, I actually don't disbelieve it but hey? okay next course of action? sorry I meant drama obviously ain't no action going on tonight, good thing I hadn't bothered with the whips and cuffs, just joking but really glad I hadn't bothered with any elaborate plans, so really what next?

phone ringing

"hello? sorry he still is not back yet"

"yes, well, I changed my mind, I would drop the message with you,could you please tell Jibiti that I just got his test result back from the lab and it is imperative he comes in for an injection"

"injection for what"

"oh! well I'm not sure I could tell you that but since you are his fiancee aybe you should come in as well to get yourself checked for the STD, expect you soonest." (I had just seen why did I get married, fastest thing that came to my mind)

Now who's bad?

text msg comes in

'hey, my sis said you called, very funny?'

I'm past caring, sister, girlfriend, fiancee all na d same

Now that Ive had a bit of excitement guess its back to the age ol question Who wants to be my baby daddy? lmfao.

A series of events prt4

"Please take off your shirt."

I was shy, I was going to be naked but I did.

"Please sit on the table and look towards me"

I did

"Can you feel that?"

"yes"

"and this?"

"yes"

"okay do you feel anything when I do this?"

"yes yes yes!"

"does this hurt?"

"No"

"this?"

"No"

"sorry I'm going to have to do this"

"okay"

"do you feel any form of sensation?"

*I be firewood? how I no go feel say person dey touch my bobi* "will a sensation be a good thing or a bad thing?"

"it depends. okay, Im going to have to touch beneath your breasts right now, do you mind? "

*PLEASE do, I need someone touching me but hey sheet wait a minute you cant be doing this, you are...*

"breathe in please, and out, in again, out, good please stretch out on the table"

*On my back or on my stomach, O my God I seem to be confusing things, you are..."

"please...."

*ARGGGGGH!*

by now you guys must have realised this is not the prelude to extreme forking nope, I wish it was but...

"Miss bad, are you listening to me? okay Im going to have to ask you a few more questions, blah blah bla and all. Okay Im going to have to run some tests, the lab is on the first floor, dont forget, you cant exert yourself, you are to do absolutely nothing stressful or extremely physical...."

*but doctor, beads and I have an appointment to go at it like rabbits this friday, thats tomorow, cant I just do it and then go back to being a bit down?*

In reality, I nod my head dejected

"Do anything stressful and you run a risk of hurting yourself, please take your medication and sleep. Bye Miss Bad and remember alot of sleep!"

So there you have it, sheet didnt go down. why? I was down, I was soo upset, okay so It would have been nicer if my doctor had said I could just do and then...but norin of the sort, I was there lying on her examination table wishing she was beads...hmm disgusting thots of mine. hell she could have been a fine male doctor and I wouldnt have minded, I simply would have insisted I felt something on my breasts, examine them pleeeease!

suffice to say, Ive been down but not out! this series must end this friday somebody say amen!

A series of events prt 3

"Did you come?"

"Iru question ode wo ni bobo yin bimi? whish kin question is this guy asking me? you hear me talking sporadically, panting heavily, I cant even keep my words coherent you are asking me"

"No Im not asking if you came at all, Im asking if you did again"

"oooo okay! yes O! jibiti, I did...again"

"how you feeling?"

"wow, now Im not sure If I can describe the way I feel, I dont think I have ever come that hard, especially under the present circumstances, as I no believe say I fit do wetin I just do first and foremost and I no believe say I fit come the way wey I just come, meeen beads oo ni pami (you wont kill me)"

"Iwo ni o ni pa mi (it is you that wont kill me), you know what did it the most for me?"

"tell me"

"your moans, sheet it was simply crazy, it drove me maaad, and the sound of u...Ol' boy na die o!"

"Im not a boy, YOU definitely know that"

"Ye babe, I definitely why you gettin touchy all of a sudden?"

"Well I dunno. maybe all my senses are sharp this night...what can I say?"

Silence

more silence

even more silence


*One go think sey no be money person dey waste.*

"I gotta have you"

"As what? a cleaner? secretary, nurse?"

"you are into that kinda sheet arent you?"

"How do I say it Beads? you bring out the 'best' in me?"

"No but seriously babe I gotta have you"

"Again? How many times?"

"You are Maaad! is this one categorised as having?"

"well duh! I came what else could I want?" *even me sef dey slap myself I know*

"Woo this girl, kini yin gbono mo mi leti (this stuff is hot against my ears) when are we going to do this sheet, you know this is soo one sided"

"When are we going to do what?"

"Fork...when are we going to fork?"

"O that! I'm sorry beads my mind is not coordinated, I think I'm still coming"

"Great, I need for my mind not to be coordinated either, what you doing this friday?"

"Aww well, you know I'm working on this thing that I'm not so sure when its going to..."

"Shut up. I'm forking you on friday..."

Silence

even more silence

A bit too more silence


heavy breathing


"Works for me beads, I gotta go ow, there's work in the morning."

"ye Babe, I know, good night, sleep tight, I wonder how much credit we have used up sef"

"Do you really care?"

"Nope"

"Didnt think so!"


*Phew! Thank you guys for not decapitating me, No vex the post is late but hey Its finally done...lol. wash out for prt 4 (this is starting to sound like a home video) lol.*

A series of events prt 2

"I want you"

Please tell me somin I dont know Im thinking, jibiti.

"I know you do dear" in my mind Im thinking I want you too but there's no way in the world Im going to say that now is there?

"So what are we goin to do abot it?"

"Who is we? its you that wants me, I never said I wanted you now did I?"

'you dont need to say it, I can see it in your eyes"

jibiti.

"ehen jere abeg jist me about your ashewo moves jere'

*the story starts, he starts to tell me of the last time he was visiting his brother in New york, I think, he was supposed to have been on his way to God knows where, dont expect me to remember every single detail when all I could possibly think about was his voice bouncing off me, not through the phone to me, I dont want our conversation to be dependent on some crazy mast somewhere, I want that so sonorous voice on me, I want to be swallowing his words but no, not yet, listen girl listen, the gist is sweet o! so the jist is that he ran into a jamaican or was it Ethopian girl at a pub. as a bad guy concern ( I TALK AM SEY THE GUY NA JIBITI) he walked up to her and told her he thought she had a fine ass, so she smiled took him and forked him. end of story....

"YOU ARE MAD!"

"ehn?"

"you are not serious, who are you summarising gist for? oya word for word, I want to hear it"

"everything?"

"to the last detail"

"oo normal (you are not normal)"

"stale jist oya, Im listening"

"Okay...Like I said, I walked up to her and told her she had a fine ass, one of the finest I had ever seen. she smiled and asked my name, Beads I said, yours? wo babe, I cant even remember the name sef, all I could see was her ass, you know how jamo girls dey be now. (he asking me? am I gay?) na so the girl say make we go for stroll o, the stroll turned out to end at her apartment, meen that girl was maaad. she had a studio apartment, once we got in, you for see how the girl rush me she started to eat my lips, na wonder sey anything remain, omo, se ori nigba ti omo yen mu mi mo ara table (if you see when the girl had me against the table) I had like 1 million shirts on cuz of the cold, she just took off my pants and wanted to climb like that niboooo (for where?) omo chill first, condom first o! ma koba mi (condom first dont put me in trouble) babe, she held on th wall abi na ladder, I no even know again, like I said she had me against the table, all I could see was her ass bouncing all over my cork, sheet that girl could wind, omo nigba to ya ti mo yi omo yi meen (after a while, I turned the girl...) "STOP"

"what? why?"

*doont get me wrong, I wasnt angry that he was giving me jist about his sexcapades with anoda girl but I was whats the word? moved, it was almost like I had been there, live and direct a spectator in this studio apartment while this aparantly sexy jamican abi Ethopian girl forked his brains out, sheet, intense sheet*

"why do you want me to stop?"

"because I dont wanna hear it, I cant stand it"

*you rubbish guy, I told you this dam no get control, rivers of flowing water, no stoppin, sheet, did I say I didnt want this guy? I must be smokin*

'you are quiet why?"

silence

he sighed "you want me dont you, he jist is only making you want me more?"

more silence

"what are you wearing?"

"a slip"

"satin"

"yes"

"are you wet?"

"what do you think?"

"I think...I know you are"

"so what are we going to do about it?"

silence


more silence


even more silence

"are you cold babe?"

"yes"

"are your nipples hard"

"what a question, ode, so what are we gong to do about it?"

"shit, I want you"

"I know."

"babe"

"Beads"

"open up for me...."



to be continued.


*to all em wey tag me, saw em, would respond once Im done with the series.

A series of events prt 1.

"What do you want to drink babe?"

I stared at the beads on his wrists, sexy ass beads, nice I thought, very nice.

"hmm...water"

"sure thing" he stood up, went to get the water.

Sheet nice ass I thought. but that wasnt the only thng I was thinking about now was it?

"here you go"

"hmm thanks"

"what do you want to do right now he had asked?"

"Im going back to the office now, need to sort somin out darn! I wish we werent here in this Godforsaken booth, I wish there was no table between us, I wish I was wearing a skirt, I wish I could cover the short yet huge distance between us, hike up my skirt and sit on that huge huge snake I just saw through your jeans"

DARN IM honey, get the spelling right, Im not just horny, Im dripping honey.

pervert!

you not me.

he holds my hands, "take off your glasses, I want to look into your eyes as you say that"

me? Jibiti obo oshi *rubbish poosy 419ner*

"What did you say? "

"I said Jibiti, I called you a scam, a poosy scammer but really who cares?"

Silence


more silence



even more silence.


*No all this no be my imagination, I wish it were but in wasnt.*

"shit this girl you are crazy!"

"please tell me somin that I dont know"

"I gotta get back to the office"

"Me too"

Silence

even more silence

some more silence.

he sits beside me and puts his arm on my shoulder, Im thinking this is crazy but not as crazy as the premonition I just had, me taking that hand and sliding it through my black tailored well fitting designer pants, his fingers coming in contact with the string I favour over full briefs, a sharp intake of breathe...SHIT! a gasp, he snatches his hand away, I burst out laughing, Im catching mad trips at HIS expense, like the animal I know he truely is he gives his hand BACK to me, I slide it through the trousers again this time he is not just willing but adventrous, he holds on to flesh and tightens his grip, relaxes it, he hangs on to the string and pulls, Ïmagine tearing that off" I say. "do you want me to?" he answers? Rivers of flowing water, the dam is let loose, he tightens his grip "how does that feel?" he tugs, I moan, he smiles, I shut my eyes, now I know we are both MAD. eyes open, all of a sudden Im laughing, to me It is funny, to him... ? how I wan take know.

"you no go kill person, I gasta get back to lekki"

"Amen me sef gast rush back to the office"

You are "wicked you know that?

"tell me you dont like it"

A knowing look we both know he did.

Ill call you in a bit"

"I know you will"