jamb questions.

When you are in Oshodi act like the Oshodians



1.What time did you get up this morning?5am im still sleepy.
2. Diamonds or pearls?So why cant i just have both?
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?Hairspray!
4. What is your favorite TV show?Truth is I’m always too fagged out to watch Tv but an all time fav. is Cosby show!
5. What did you have for breakfast?I never chop. God know sey I dey hung!.
6. What is your middle name?Tejuola, sweet sey? Just like me!
7. What is your favorite cuisine/meal?As long as I has dodo in it…I’m game!
8. What foods do you dislike?Oats. Yuck, Alpen and all those shitty foods. Eugh!
9. Your favorite Potato chip? Dodo chips.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?Try and ask me fav song and ill tell you all of a'go put the record on' Bailey Rae
11. What kind of car do you drive? I no get moro o!
12. Favorite sandwich?Boli and epa…does sandwich have to have bread?
13. What characteristics do you despise?Snobbishness, self centeredness, greed, Selfishness ati be be lo.
14. Favorite item of clothing? Easy, My birthday suit…comfort rules baby!
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?Barbados, Egypt, Tunisia and Kenya
16. What color is your bathroom?How I wan take know? Sorry just yanking your chain, white!17. Favorite brand of clothing?as long as it looks good I no wan know
18. Where would you want to retire?I will cross that bridge when i get there, I just started my life, I never see middle you wan make I dey talk end?
19. Favorite time of day?Night…sleep time!
20. Where were you born?This Lagos where we dey so, stylee stylee, stylee!
21. Favorite sport(s) to watch?They haven’t invented it yet, it should probably be the one that involves lawmakers beating themselves up. Lol ill watch a movie instead
22. Who do you least expect to respond to this?My unborn child. (grin grin)
23. Person you expect to respond first? Exschoolnerd…my personal person
24. What laundry scent do you use?Omo super clean omo washes even bright and lets it show, OMO! Lol will settle for lavender.
25. Coke or Pepsi?pepsi more value for your money especially if it is orobo pepsi.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl?Night owl baby.
27. What size shoe do you wear?7.
28. Do you have pets?Will my nieces do?
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?Yes! My name is tejuola!
30. What did you want to be when you were little?I wanted to be like Micheal Jackson, my mama beat me ehn!
31. Favorite Candy Bar?Tobleron (I know its chocolate but its all I got, my precious)
32. What is your best childhood memory?Boxing day lunches and the water bed we had.
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?plenty jo.
34. What color/type underwear are you wearing? black female boxer that says “I like boys pants”
35.Nicknames:Pscyco
36. Piercings?Asides from the normal ones? Nah! I react to them
37. Eye color?Brown
38a) Ever been to Africa?DOH!
38b) Ever been to South Australia?for where?
39. Ever been toilet papering or rolling?look I don’t know why we cant all be natural, water does it better
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Once.
41. Been in a car accident?No, I pray for continuity there.
42. Croutons or bacon bits?Dodo
43.Favorite day of the week?Saturday, I get to just chiiil.
44. Favorite restaurant?That would be Iya kemi’s buffet service
45. Favorite flower?Sun flowers
46. Favorite ice cream?Chocolate chip and biscuito.
47. How many times did you fail your driver's test?Me? How can I fail a test I gave myself?
48. What color is your bedroom carpet?Blue.
49. How many times did you fail your driver's test?is it me? Am I seeing things? Look I don’t come twice in a row
50. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email?The computer guy
51. Which stores would you choose to max out your credit card?Swatch, Sony ericcsson store or feet.
52. What do you do most often when you are bored?Sleep? Read a book, look for trouble.
53. Bedtime? Atleast midnight or else ill be mad in the morning
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?Anna Nicole Smith, that is if she would have understood the questions
55. Last person you went to dinner with?My friend, we had so much to catch up on
56. What are you listening to right now?UB40 cant help falling in love
57. What is your favorite color?BLUE!
58. Lake, Ocean or river?same ni.
59. How many tattoos do you have?None Yet.
60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?how am I supposed to know? As I wasn’t there u want me to bear false witness abi?

Today.

5 things that i saw today.

1. I saw a ghost! well not exactly but she did look like a ghost, she had a bit too much foundation on, her eye pencil looked like road markings on its way to kafancha, her lipstick looked like blood! she looked like a vampire, yes! i think that would be it a vampire or maybe a cross between a vampire and a ghost. beeetch was oooguli!

2. The woman that decided the best place to wash her baby's poop was beside the road, where people were standing, she took her baby and washed his yansh there...y'all know how baby poop smell....(sob, sob)

3. The girl right beside me on the bus that ate corn after corn and ube after ube like she was in the village trust me with ALL the sound effects, the spittle comin out the side of her mouth and the corn darting out everytime her phone rang plus the fact that she decided to commentate on the drivers every move!

4. The forker that decided to take a shit in a garden at the side of the road.

5. The AGBAYA men that brought out their GBola's (notice i didnt say baba dudu, baba dudu is a good thing) and were taking a bath at the side of the road! their things were almost reaching their thighs.

O save us lord from the wonders of this Lagos. did i hear an amen?

All these things to my fragile heart in just one day?

I am Broke! officially! Notice i didnt take a cab home, i entered (not took o!) entered bus. right now im wishing 36 would come and pay my own school fees too, you know the school now, school of hard knocks?

as in i am so waiting for a miracle.

I need a PHD.

You say "oloshi, wetin you wan you use am do? "

I say " no not a Phd a PHD" and you go...

"ooooooh! mo ti jasi" ( i understand)

I dont believe you guys thought i was saying i wanted to go back to school, i manage to finish one you want me to use my two left legs to go back almost immediately? you have crase.

Look hia, extreme academic qualification is not for us all. yes beni, BUT a certain Qualification is....


I do need a PHD. you see, i need some 'head' trauma, i need to learn like my ancestors learnt from the 'missionaries', i need to learn how things from 'the back' affect 'the front', wont be a bad idea to learn the mechanics behind not a pair of scissors but 'scissors' or perhaps study the histories of the world and find out who exactly discovered the 'wheelbarrow', i would love to study the intricateness of a 'butterfly', perhaps find out why the chinese use 'chopsticks' and why they are so into teas, who exactly invented the packaging of tea in bags, who is the father of 'teabagging'? Why do people sit down to eat, why dont they 'do it standing'? who is the foremost 'cunning linguist' why wasnt there ever a bond girl named 'fay Latio'? Who invented the 'saddle' why do people like to 'ride' so much, horses, bicycles, powerbikes you name it? 'speed what is it with speed sef? why do some people like to go 'slow' and others 'fast' why do people thrive on adrenaline? what is a 'mean naj de trois' and why is it so popular? Yes, you see we need to learn more about these things so we can really be "ontop" at all times so there can be that feeling of conentment when one gets to "achieve" victory? that is not forgeting research is good for future generations so they will be able to benefit from us, i mean there will be no 'future generations' if we dont research on 'these' matters.

hallelu...halleluyah! beni.

I dislike when a woman that tells me she doesnt need a PHD, no one says right now but definitely before u die woman you need to be 'educated' for your very own piss of mind, so you can 'come' to be at peace with your inner self.

(did u just call me bitch?)

If u are acting modest, pretending like you dont know what brand of 'education' i am talking about well like one of my adopted brothers would say, i say this. "raise your hand o ye that have never tasted baba dudu and that do not wish to taste the wonders of baba dudu, raise your hands falsely and Amadioha would strike you" he says it not me.

As i was saying jere, a PHD is a neccessary requirement for every woman, no matter what you leave with Honours, first class, second class... as long as 'it' can hold the motion in the ocean' are u understanding me? i mean we all cant all have the titanic even though the titanic is known to 'sink easily' thanks to the 'standing icebergs' and the 'wetness' from plenty oceans of water!

Well some people can settle for speedboats, yatchs or canoes depending on your preference of 'broadbands'.

I hope you are understanding me.

So i say where are the PHD's sorry i mean twould be nice to further my 'education' wont it.

Did i just hear you call me Bitch?

holla at ya gal!

Sunday blues?

I have always been a mischievous person, always looking for a laugh

I have always been principled, always having my beliefs and sticking to them

I have always been sometimes easily angered, I really do hate bullshit

I have always said it as it is.

I have always been me, but i seem to be changing.

Its weekend, starcomms free calls. Once upon a time, you could never get thru to me, it was always busy, there was always so many people to talk to then…my phone is free, I wonder what happened to them all.

I didnt go to church today (no I wasn’t trying to avoid E-diot) far from it, it was Harry that caused it o! Harry kept me up till five o clock this mornin and by Nine he had me up again, it was so intense you have no idea! By then I couldn’t make it to the 8am service at church GOD FORGIVE ME O! na Harry Potter and the deathly hallows cause am.

Ive been so moody all day, I am not talking to anyone, they have been trying to get to me but I have this blank expression on my face but my mind is really telling everyone trying to disturb me to sod off! I really felt like letting go today but no! I keep it strong.

But for how long?

Am I an ungrateful child?

Shouldn’t I be thanking God for all the things he does for me on the reg? Why do I let other things get to me?

My playmates are gone away for summer, my babies. They are the only ones I feel really need me at least they show it, they come looking for me in the middle of the night wake me up and say “aunty, can I stay in your room?” I have never said no. Taiwo and Kehinde are gone for the summer, who will I tell to stop crying? Who will I carry on my back? Who would sleep on my chest and say “now im comfutable” who will say “cawwy me o!” who will I feed? Who will I bathe? Who will I say “you are my only twins in the whole wide world” to. I didn’t even bother to come out and say bye when they were leaving for the airport, I couldt, I don’t think we’ve been apart for as long as we are going to be now since they were born five years ago. They didn’t even kiss me bye, their moms told them “Hurry, hurry, we are late!”

I still don’t want to talk to anyone.

For some funny reason, no links I promise, some girl that used to be in my class in sch comes to my mind. She was bounced in yr 3, exam malpractice. One day for the tif was her case. She don dey do am tey.

I saw her walking on the road two week ago, she looks washed out, she used to be an Aristo girl, I heard she has a kid now, im not even goin to wonda wu for, wetin consain me?

Sha sha i cant remember her name, not just because i suck with names and faces but because we gave her a name...'you are too flatter"

Why?

I'll tell you but before i do remember I SHIT YOU NOT! Banji reckons i have fiction on my blog, nope its all fact! nothin made up.

Like i said i shit you not, this really happened.

Back in yr one my friend Red and i were really mischeivious people, we would go around looking for trouble. Red would hug girls and hold them from the back and i would bring out my camcorder and get the girls expressions, they were usually real excited, enjoying the 'assault' (i wonder why) I would look for girls with open cleavages or buttcracks or both and ask "are you browsing" my friend would say "ahh! im online" we were just very playful ( a bit too playful i think) sha we were so awful lecturers started seperating us in classes and exams. Dr M in his oyinbo accent "No, NO you cant sit there, no not near your friend, please move over"

Sha before i continue long story remember, i shit you not, one day like this while waiting for a class to start, She shows up, i still cant remember her name she was looking RED! like some femme fatale or som'in. she had a red top, belt, beg, shoes, hair ruffle,earrings, bangles, beads, nails, rings, lipstick everything in shocking red! im sure in her left mind she looked good. Who lied to you? girl you no get mirror for house? trust my friend and i we started with this girl o! Psyching the oloshi, she too gellin

It goes a lil somin like this:

Red: (i remember now her name was queen) Queen Queen, baby ah! you are too much see how u fine today, baby ah! if to say i get money now now, i will marry you, you are just ha! where have you been all my life, come and meet my mother...

Me: Babe, true no be small thing you fine today o! if i be man, me sef go marry o!

it goes on like that, think of all the Psyches possible.

and then she had to do it...with her correct ibo accent, she wasnt faking, she was for real...

Queen: Nna you gais, you are too flatter, you are too flatter, you are too flatter

I SHIT YOU NOT!

Red and i ran bonkers, we ran for our dear lives laughing checking to see if either of us had hallucinated. nope, she had said it.

Needless to say by 4pm that day everybody in school knew the jist. i heard they were trying to beat me that time but nothin dey happen, i am covered by the blood of Jesus.

that was a while ago tho, heavy Aristo runs has left queen washed out. i hope she's okay...i dont really give 2 but all the same.

I wonder why people Fork for money, but what do i know?

I still dont want to talk to anyone.

I really would love...

(Eddie Murphy in coming to America)
"To be loved, to be loved is a wonderful feeling"

(all those stupid romantic movies)
"look, i dont care what you say, all i know is...i love you"

(all those yamayama home vidoes)
"sir, i know you think im just an ordinary mechanic, but sa... i love your daughter"

(their yoruba counterparts)
"Ma se gba gbe majemuu re, mo ni ife re" (dont forget your promise to love me, I love you)

(all those confused peoples)
" i...i...i love you!"

yadi yadi ya!

Me? i think love used to select people! beni o! true to God i no go lie, love used to select those people it used to follow because me, in my close to thirty in d next couple of years i have never loved and been loved (except you choose to count all those times that i lied and said "i love you, i love you" when baba dudu was drilling a pleasurable hole in me, trust me, i meant to say "i love it, i love it" my bad!

I think i fell in love once, well if u want to call it that, being that i dont exactly know what it is so i ask does praying for that person more that u pray for yourself mean u love that person? if u know abeg holla me jere!

anyway, this guy, i choose to call him GQ, G for short, we met under funny circumstances. so this is me coding myself ase the guy know me well no b small. so we started to talk, my heart started to be beating fast, everytime i hear his ringtone i will be shining teeth like mugun, all was well all was good especially that weekend ah! i remember that weekend, he cooked (i didnt eat, i wasnt scareding for poison, too much butterflies no gree space for food, he treated me like a princess ah! ko ni da fun omo ibo (it cannot be better for omo ibo) they can know how to do woman, if possible gaan he would have carried me on his head, sha sha thats how it was time to don don (quite accidentally of course, i really didnt plan it, all i had planned was to spend the night with this guy i really fancied, able bodied naija boy, ibo boy not castrated, not gay im sure i just wanted to share the gospel, discuss politics, spend quality time with him...OLOSHI girl!

sha sha it was da bomb, ha! omo ibo lo bii stallion meen (he was something short of a stallion), me sef no spoil (jazzman's won ti da mi mo lo sen pariwo- they recognise a worthy person thats why the hail!) i remember it going somin like this-
Omo ibo and i were doin i dont know 2? 3? when my head started to hit the wall

i shit you not! it really happened!

G- "babe...babe" (emi naa mo pe mo sexy-i know im sexy)
mi- (im sayin this in yoruba for real) "ori min kanrin" my people you know that could mean two things 1. my head is singing
2. my head is hitting the iron bar/post

in this case, it was not this or that o! it was both! my head must have been singing kaysha's juska song (and this was b4 we knew kaysha o!, i mean e don tey small)

for every time i said "ori min kanrin" omo ibo went harder

in my mind...OLOSHI O fe pa mi ni? (mad man do you want to kill me?) why isnt this guy stopping, you are killing me, its sweeting me but it really feels like my head is about to be an oil rig!, no oil nigga blood! stop now!

my voice? "aaah! ori mi, on dun mi- (my head...it is paining me) i keep saying this bt no response from omoo ibo and then it hits me...Omo ibo doesnt speak yoruba, he doesnt even understand yoruba( unless u want to count d on dun mi (its paining me) he learnt from me) ...oniranu, you are just bilingual for nothing.

"G...G, my head, my head" he stopped, turned compass east and continued.

when i think of this guy, i cringe on the inside, he's an example of one of my mistakes, why why why did i allow G get to me? why exactly did i like him?

well... 1. he was really nice in the beginnin (well they all are)
2. he was good lookin (im a sucka for fine boys)
3. he had a real cool job (oil and gas good enuff?)
4. he was about 3 yrs older (i actually like them older but he acted mature)
5. he made me feel like a princess (really, aint that what all we girls want?)

eventually, i hurt more than ever when he started to show himself, it pain me die...me? me that one small thing i have jabod d guy, as in you know now, well it is all iya yewande's fault.

iya yewande is my mothers younger sister, we call her shine shine bobo, she likes to drink star, im not close to her since i didnt grow up with mums

sha sha she called me one day like this we were at a burial, only time i get to see some folks
SS- "i want to talk to you"
mi- ma
SS- "where is your husband?"
mi- im laughin " i dont have ma"
SS- "you dont have ke? okay where is your boyfriend?"
mi-" i dont have ma"
SS-" why? kilode? is there a problem? abi we should go and check it out? should i take you to my pastor? should we weri e lodo (should we go and wash your head at the river?)
at this point in time im laughing like it is funny, she goes delirious and switches from yoruba to the ijebu dialect of yoruba. mo gbe ooo!
SS- im telling u something serious u are laughing, am i a clown? yemisi (callin my other aunts) korede, come and talk to your child, do u think u are a child? at your age your mother had given birth to temi (my eldest bro) you dont have boyfriend, you dont have husband, you are just getting fatter, nobody will marry you like that o! im telling you you are laughing, i will use my left hand and slap u, i have told your mother she should not say becos u r still in sch(was still in sch den) if u bring husband she should allow u, we are here for u (ye rite, like u showed up wen my bro was enterin marriage prison) im still laughin she's gettin more irritated, i used style to walk away...sod off im thinking! im still young, ill wait.

i lie!

moms has been askin me for my boyfriend since my friend Yewy got married, she was 19 i was 20, ewy now has two sons. moms wants to know, everytime i go to her crib who im dating, have i found man yet, i once told her once they started selling husband in the market, i will buy two and put one in storage incase the first one forks up, she stopped for a while but now shes back, she tells me bring him, bring him...okay i will go and bring hired man like in wedding date, anybody interested?

what our parents dont know is that in pushing us ( urging us in their minds) they are forcin us to do what we wouldnt normally do nope im not blaming anyone for my mistakes but...they added.

Im not saying i let mama yewande get to me nope, in my opinion all she can see is bright lights and she's not even friends with udeme.

but really lets be serious, is there something wrong with me? dont mean to be conceited but emi gaan sezy (im sexy) im good (the classic lady in the street and freak in the bed?) i have a good heart (so they say) and all those qualities a good chic shold have but noooo! it is all those yamayama girls that get all the good guys "why are all the good guys taken all the time?" all those selfish, jazz using, disgusting,self centered, bleach skinned, fake, diabolic chics. in my opinion sha all those guys that marry such chics are suffering from curse they have probably done somtin bad to someone b4!

back to the matter at hand

i refuse to think i am unlucky nope, i subscribe to the patient dog gets the fattest bone! (let me keep on psychin myself abeg!)

so im here saying i never loved, never been loved, ive lusted and been lusted after but does that count? i dont have husband, boyfriend i have toasters but none i like...

"maybe love doesnt really exist cuz i deserve much more than this"

or maybe mine is rite about the corner.

Nigerians are not happy!

The man in the bus next to us his morning was sleeping. good thing he was in a staff bus if not i would have been tempted to put one benson or st moritz in his mouth... what am I even saying sef? i would have put one jumbo igbo in his mouth...my bad! i could have stuffed a whole ghana bread in his mouth! omo meen bobo yen lanu le meen, wide open! his mouth was big! Im thinking of singing a song for him but he cant hear me, i sing it in my mind anyways

bobo denu le geisha n bo o eya mu ra, e ya mu ra...if u know it, sing along.
my nephew and neices are having a field day laughing at the man who has his head stuck to the window, him mouth wide open "aunty, im sure hes snoring" my nephew said.
they were laughing! rolling in their seats.

stupid children, what do they know?
i laughed, stupid me what do i now?
the driver sighed, he was sympathetic, he understands.

for the past as far back as can remember, the driver has resumed in my house 5.55am, except on holidays the kids need to go to school. im sure that means hes up by 4.30 his kids are probably still asleep by then, he closes by 6, he should get home 7.30. his kids are probably on their way to bed by then.

how do they get to know their father?

Naija could be a real fucked up country.

the girl in the other department in my office leaves home quater to 6, im still battling with the remnants of sleep by then.

the other girl leaves 5.30, she lives in ejigbo...office is in ikoyi. what kind of life do we live?

since i started this job, ive found myself to be grumpier (i cant do this forever but this one that i dont know when service is am i supposed to sit at home, yes im stil into my entertainment but i have to do tie job small abi? learning is a continuous process)

i saw three fags yesterday, on my way home from work, i was walking to get a cab when i saw them, how did i know they were fags? well the one in dreds was giggling... what kind of man giggles?

the other one was covering his face like " no you di'nt"

the last one had his hands on his hips looked at me and said "helooooooooooo" pouted and batted his eyelids.

i moved on like madam koikoi, minding my own business. i heard him/her say "look at her" he was slurring as he said that "see how her hair his flying, just see her jacket all over the place" like those guys in queer eye for a straight guy.

i walked on still like madam koikoi.

ashiere kuku ni yin, mo ri tiyin ro like exschnerd would say...cunts!

i took the cab, gave the incident some more thought... faggots? if they had just minded their own business with me i for try understand sey no be their fault na baba dudu sweet but as that one come insult me and my one nation blazer...

oloshi, ashiere, vegetable prick! of all the puzzies in this world, espeially in this lagos, it is another man that u see to be helping your condition ko ni daaa fun yin. meanawhile, i can bet they are not the givers they are the recievers. they will now never be able to control their urge to shit. oloriburuku ni yin se. they will not drink from the coast milk people with or withoout nafdac no, not the oranges, pawpaws or watermelons they want carrots and cucumbers! they want sprouts of ogi at the end when they can have correct flowing kunu. may they not see correct prak for a long time...assholes!...that is if it aint potholes by now.

sha im minding my own business like madam koikoi when traffic starts, heavy traffic oooo! why didnt i wait for oga? he would have taken me home being that we live in the same house. plus at closing hours he is my father again, not oga anymore. ooooo gosh!

traffic is moving ope o! "baba oni taxi move now!" "oko ashawo o de lo"
EGBA MI O! cab man ti sun, he is sleepin on the steering...he must be tired!

"mo ti weak!" he says. he brings out some foul smelling ointment and sniffs it hoping to stay awake...he sleeps some more, he bought cake to munch on, he slept some more!

a petrol tanker is in front of us...cab man doesnt brake..."baba!" he brakes suddenly

i start to say my rosary, i engage him in conversation. Nigeria, bad road, no light, no water, traffic, plantain have cost, fuel is coster, no food, university is slow, they have tif all our money... LORD PLEASE GET ME HOME SAFE!

baba is still sleeping. solution? GET THE FOrK OFF GIRL! eba is sweet, pounded yam and amala sweeter, yamarita in tfc awesome, you havent had a child yet, not even the boyfriend you always wanted, you are nearing 30, you havent gone to see the sacred feminine yet, you havent been to egypt yet, you havent had that multiple orgasm you always wanted yet, you have never bungee jumped, you dont have your powerbike yet, were bo le! bo le! i listened, i got off!

OKADA! roughride me to my junction please, ill walk home. but dont ride too hard, i don want to be riding you and definitly not hard...its been a long day. thank God i took the okada, traffic was horrible. 9.30 i got home, had a bath, ironed, oga sorry popc came back wanted food...in my mind Mr oga cant you see im tired? we were in the office all day together sebi you came to my department and saw me working?

"yes sa" i made him food, packed my bag,finally went to bed at midnight, i was up 5.30...got to the office 2hrs later... i need to sleep!

Nigerians are not happy.

Finally!

Permit me if i dont write much tonight, i am tired! i have spent the past God knows how long trying to be a "blog citizen" but my computer has winch! everytime i almost reach the promised land it will tell me url failure, you can go no further! The day i finally got in, i was happy, looking forward to returning but only God knows what happened i couldnt get in afterwards, i felt the way a guy would feel when he cant get to 'shag' a chic he had already shagged b4.

i was pissed, when i was already feeling happy it felt like an incomplete orgasm, just when i was almost there it disappears... anyways tonight i dont write much, but i show gratitude to "blogsville" for accepting me as its citizen.