I really would love...

(Eddie Murphy in coming to America)
"To be loved, to be loved is a wonderful feeling"

(all those stupid romantic movies)
"look, i dont care what you say, all i know is...i love you"

(all those yamayama home vidoes)
"sir, i know you think im just an ordinary mechanic, but sa... i love your daughter"

(their yoruba counterparts)
"Ma se gba gbe majemuu re, mo ni ife re" (dont forget your promise to love me, I love you)

(all those confused peoples)
" i...i...i love you!"

yadi yadi ya!

Me? i think love used to select people! beni o! true to God i no go lie, love used to select those people it used to follow because me, in my close to thirty in d next couple of years i have never loved and been loved (except you choose to count all those times that i lied and said "i love you, i love you" when baba dudu was drilling a pleasurable hole in me, trust me, i meant to say "i love it, i love it" my bad!

I think i fell in love once, well if u want to call it that, being that i dont exactly know what it is so i ask does praying for that person more that u pray for yourself mean u love that person? if u know abeg holla me jere!

anyway, this guy, i choose to call him GQ, G for short, we met under funny circumstances. so this is me coding myself ase the guy know me well no b small. so we started to talk, my heart started to be beating fast, everytime i hear his ringtone i will be shining teeth like mugun, all was well all was good especially that weekend ah! i remember that weekend, he cooked (i didnt eat, i wasnt scareding for poison, too much butterflies no gree space for food, he treated me like a princess ah! ko ni da fun omo ibo (it cannot be better for omo ibo) they can know how to do woman, if possible gaan he would have carried me on his head, sha sha thats how it was time to don don (quite accidentally of course, i really didnt plan it, all i had planned was to spend the night with this guy i really fancied, able bodied naija boy, ibo boy not castrated, not gay im sure i just wanted to share the gospel, discuss politics, spend quality time with him...OLOSHI girl!

sha sha it was da bomb, ha! omo ibo lo bii stallion meen (he was something short of a stallion), me sef no spoil (jazzman's won ti da mi mo lo sen pariwo- they recognise a worthy person thats why the hail!) i remember it going somin like this-
Omo ibo and i were doin i dont know 2? 3? when my head started to hit the wall

i shit you not! it really happened!

G- "babe...babe" (emi naa mo pe mo sexy-i know im sexy)
mi- (im sayin this in yoruba for real) "ori min kanrin" my people you know that could mean two things 1. my head is singing
2. my head is hitting the iron bar/post

in this case, it was not this or that o! it was both! my head must have been singing kaysha's juska song (and this was b4 we knew kaysha o!, i mean e don tey small)

for every time i said "ori min kanrin" omo ibo went harder

in my mind...OLOSHI O fe pa mi ni? (mad man do you want to kill me?) why isnt this guy stopping, you are killing me, its sweeting me but it really feels like my head is about to be an oil rig!, no oil nigga blood! stop now!

my voice? "aaah! ori mi, on dun mi- (my head...it is paining me) i keep saying this bt no response from omoo ibo and then it hits me...Omo ibo doesnt speak yoruba, he doesnt even understand yoruba( unless u want to count d on dun mi (its paining me) he learnt from me) ...oniranu, you are just bilingual for nothing.

"G...G, my head, my head" he stopped, turned compass east and continued.

when i think of this guy, i cringe on the inside, he's an example of one of my mistakes, why why why did i allow G get to me? why exactly did i like him?

well... 1. he was really nice in the beginnin (well they all are)
2. he was good lookin (im a sucka for fine boys)
3. he had a real cool job (oil and gas good enuff?)
4. he was about 3 yrs older (i actually like them older but he acted mature)
5. he made me feel like a princess (really, aint that what all we girls want?)

eventually, i hurt more than ever when he started to show himself, it pain me die...me? me that one small thing i have jabod d guy, as in you know now, well it is all iya yewande's fault.

iya yewande is my mothers younger sister, we call her shine shine bobo, she likes to drink star, im not close to her since i didnt grow up with mums

sha sha she called me one day like this we were at a burial, only time i get to see some folks
SS- "i want to talk to you"
mi- ma
SS- "where is your husband?"
mi- im laughin " i dont have ma"
SS- "you dont have ke? okay where is your boyfriend?"
mi-" i dont have ma"
SS-" why? kilode? is there a problem? abi we should go and check it out? should i take you to my pastor? should we weri e lodo (should we go and wash your head at the river?)
at this point in time im laughing like it is funny, she goes delirious and switches from yoruba to the ijebu dialect of yoruba. mo gbe ooo!
SS- im telling u something serious u are laughing, am i a clown? yemisi (callin my other aunts) korede, come and talk to your child, do u think u are a child? at your age your mother had given birth to temi (my eldest bro) you dont have boyfriend, you dont have husband, you are just getting fatter, nobody will marry you like that o! im telling you you are laughing, i will use my left hand and slap u, i have told your mother she should not say becos u r still in sch(was still in sch den) if u bring husband she should allow u, we are here for u (ye rite, like u showed up wen my bro was enterin marriage prison) im still laughin she's gettin more irritated, i used style to walk away...sod off im thinking! im still young, ill wait.

i lie!

moms has been askin me for my boyfriend since my friend Yewy got married, she was 19 i was 20, ewy now has two sons. moms wants to know, everytime i go to her crib who im dating, have i found man yet, i once told her once they started selling husband in the market, i will buy two and put one in storage incase the first one forks up, she stopped for a while but now shes back, she tells me bring him, bring him...okay i will go and bring hired man like in wedding date, anybody interested?

what our parents dont know is that in pushing us ( urging us in their minds) they are forcin us to do what we wouldnt normally do nope im not blaming anyone for my mistakes but...they added.

Im not saying i let mama yewande get to me nope, in my opinion all she can see is bright lights and she's not even friends with udeme.

but really lets be serious, is there something wrong with me? dont mean to be conceited but emi gaan sezy (im sexy) im good (the classic lady in the street and freak in the bed?) i have a good heart (so they say) and all those qualities a good chic shold have but noooo! it is all those yamayama girls that get all the good guys "why are all the good guys taken all the time?" all those selfish, jazz using, disgusting,self centered, bleach skinned, fake, diabolic chics. in my opinion sha all those guys that marry such chics are suffering from curse they have probably done somtin bad to someone b4!

back to the matter at hand

i refuse to think i am unlucky nope, i subscribe to the patient dog gets the fattest bone! (let me keep on psychin myself abeg!)

so im here saying i never loved, never been loved, ive lusted and been lusted after but does that count? i dont have husband, boyfriend i have toasters but none i like...

"maybe love doesnt really exist cuz i deserve much more than this"

or maybe mine is rite about the corner.